Posts filed under ‘About Me’

Houdini dog tricks

Whoever said that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, never owned an old dog.  We might be stubborn but we’re not stupid, quite the opposite.  Silly dog tricks for human amusement just don’t interest us anymore.  But teach us a skill that is useful and you’ll see an old dog shine.

My Dad has been teaching me how to open doors.  I’ve been pushing them open with my nose for a long time.  But now, if a door is slightly ajar I can open it from the inside, it’s easy.  Put your nose on the side of the door and step back as you pull the door toward you.  Then flick your head to the side and the door opens!   This is a very useful thing to know.

A cute dog like me needs lots of maintenance so I have my own groomer.  Her name is Susan.  The last time I went to see Susan I got out of my cage.  Susan had already called my Mom to tell her I was ready and that she could come pick me up.  When my Mom arrived to get me Susan told her, “I’m sorry Kobe is still not dry.  I don’t know how this happened.  Somehow he got out of his cage and was outside playing in the mud with the rotties.”

When we got in the truck Mom gave me the stink eye.  She said, “Kobe, you’d better watch it.  When we move I’m going to need your cooperation.  I don’t want to see any of your Houdini dog tricks.  Got it, Mister.” 

What good is learning a new skill if you can’t put it into practice?

Live long and pawsper,

Kobe

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December 11, 2009 at 2:23 am Leave a comment

My name sounds different in the funny talk

My name is Kobe and it’s pronounced just like Kobe Bryant, the bestest basketball player in the whole NBA.  He is a superstar on my Dad’s favorite team, the Los Angeles Lakers (everyone named Kobe is a superstar.)  And just in case you think my Dad named me after him, you would be wrong.  Because remember I’m 15 years old, so if I was going to be named after one of the Lakers it would probably be Magic.  That would be a good name for a superstar too.

This is a funny story about my name.  When I was a puppy I was living with another family with my brothers and sisters and my bitch mom.  Because I was the cutest, of course, the little girls in the family loved me the best.  They called me Missy.  The Dad in that family said no, that was a girl’s name.  But I didn’t care.  Mom said I might have to get used to that, because I’m so cute people think I’m a girl dog.  I just looked at her and thought, “Well jeezesh if you wouldn’t let the hair grow so long on my belly, they might have a clue.”

Anyway, when my Mom brought me home my Dad immediately said no, Missy is a girl’s name, so he changed it.  Right about that time was a big earthquake in Kobe, Japan.  So my Dad says from now on your name is Kobe.  I was very happy with my new name and my new family.  Over the years, of course, your name starts to take on all kinds of permutations.  Kobes, Kobster, Kobalasi or sometimes just Lasi, and my Dad likes to say I’m the Prince of Such because I’m such a prince.  My Mom mostly calls me Mister and I like that name the best (but only from my Mom and Dad, don’t you ever call me that because it would be a sign of disrespect to an ancient to be so familiar.)

Mom says the way my name is spelled it would be pronounced Kobay in the funny language (Dad told me Kobay was French, is that where we are going?)   If we want people at the secret location that can’t speak our language to say my name the right way it would be spelled K-O-B-I with an I at the end instead of an E.   She said since I was used to having so many different names, we weren’t going to make it an issue if they say my name wrong or spell it incorrectly.  Who cares, I can’t spell anyway.

Live long and pawsper,

Kobe

December 6, 2009 at 3:02 am 1 comment

Kobe is too macho

You know I’ve been out of it lately.  So I’m outside in the driveway watching Dad squirt sticky black stuff in the cracks, and my pee-mail girlfriend walks by.  I hadn’t seen her in awhile so I ran up to her and stuck out my chest.   Mom and Dad stop breathing.

Take a chill pill why don’t you, I just wanted to say Hi!  I think she is mad at me because she just sits down and ignores me.  Well I don’t need any of her dog poop attitude, so I take off. 

Dad turns to Mom and says, “What are we going to do if Kobe pulls this macho shit in (the secret place)?”

Live long and pawsper,

Kobe

December 6, 2009 at 2:52 am Leave a comment

My Mom is SERIOUS, and my Dad is too

My mom has started a folder of important papers and put it on the mantle (I can’t show you a picture because it might give away the secret). 

Then, she picked up my Dad’s book of house plans and held it over the trash can.  They looked at each other and without saying a word my Mom dropped it.   And then they started laughing.  My Dad says now we are getting serious.  And they started laughing harder.  Serious and laughing together are very confusing for a dog.  (Kobe’s so cute when he is confused, oh, sorry for the interruption.)  I asked my mom to explain it to you.

There is a little inside joke in our family about being SERIOUS.  Which, of course, must be accompanied by the most sternest of faces.

We were at my sister’s house celebrating my nephew Jacob’s six birthday.  I had bought him a fancy plastic pirate ship with a desert island and lots of pirate thingies.  The thing was huge and in about 200 pieces (what can I say I have no children of my own.)  So Jacob absconded with the pirates to play and I set about constructing the pirate ship.  I had finished building the ship but couldn’t find the wheels that went on the bottom.  No matter to Jacob, I would find them eventually.  So I’m putting together the island and little palm trees and sure enough they were there. 

Jacob, in the mean time, had really gotten into the pirate play and had pirate prisoners in the cargo hold.  You can see where this is going.  So I asked him to bring me his ship and I would put the wheels on for him.  As I’m starting to twist it upside down, Jacob places both hands on my knees, gets about six inches from my face, and yells, “AUNT MARY!  THIS IS SERIOUS!  THE GUYS ARE GUNNA FALL OUT!”  I’m clenching my teeth and steam is coming out of my eyeballs trying to stay serious.  So you should know, in this family we treat serious SERIOUSLY.  Errrrrrrrrrr.

What, I don’t get it?  The guys were gunna fall out.  And what is irony?  Mom said something about the lack of latitude and Dad said if they need energy-efficient heating they’ll just open a window.  Then they snorted and started laughing again.  Mom said dogs can’t appreciate irony.

You humans are so easily entertained.

Live long and pawsper,

Kobe   (and Mary too)

December 6, 2009 at 2:45 am Leave a comment

Some Pictures of Me

Dad took some publicity photos of me but I really don’t like them.  I’m beginning to think this whole Poster Dog thing is just one big amateur hour.

My nose looks huge

Are you kidding? My nose looks huge and I’m not even smiling.

Now my face is in shadow.

That’s a good one, but my face is in shadows and you cut off the top of my head.

No Profiles!

No, no, no. No profiles. I don’t want my fans to see my brown gums and somebody needs to fix my eye booger. Makeup!

Let me do it.

Here let me do it.

Now you're making fun of me.

OK, now you’re just making fun of me. Come on people!

You see what I have to put up with.

Live long and pawsper,

Kobe

December 6, 2009 at 12:54 am 1 comment

This is about me and my blog

Hi, my name is Kobe.  Today is the last day of November.  Fifteen years ago this month I was born.  According to this website that means that I’m 93 in human years!  Oh, and they consider me geriatric.  Mom says that means I’m ancient and possess the wisdom of the aged.  All this time my Mom was saying I was older, but she went back and checked the date of the big earthquake in Kobe, Japan (because that’s where my name came from) and found out she was wrong.  She said, “Hey, you know what, you’re only 15.” 

I just found out that my owners are moving to a secret location, and I GETTA GO-O, yip, yip hooray!  Today we go to the vet to discuss my health and the schedule for getting my vaccinations.

So that’s it, as long as my vet signs some paper and my owners have enough money to pay my way, I GETTA GO-O.  Get this, they treat pets like cargo.  And when we finally get where we are going, my owners have to pay $600 to bail me out.  I sure hope they don’t find out I’m a celebrity and hold out for more money.

I’ll let you know what the vet says when we get back.

Live long and pawsper,

Kobe

CORRECTION:  I’m afraid it’s not quite that simple.  The animal health certificate has to be notarized, legalized by the USDA, and certified by the (REDACTED) Consulate in San Francisco within 10 days of departure.

According to the instructions at the Embajada del (REDACTED) / Wasington (sic):

(sensitive content and links have been suspended)

Essentially, the (REDACTED) want us to pay an import tax of 25% on a 15-year old dog, and to make sure that they get it they want $600 up front or let him wait for 2 to3 days until they can figure out how much that would be.  If it’s less than $600 they will refund the remainder at some later date.

I sure hope they don’t find out that Kobe is the Poster Dog of Cuteness or we’ll never see any of that money back.

Mary

December 6, 2009 at 12:34 am Leave a comment


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